


This Is Not All I Am

by NeedyUke



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Bullying, Don't Try This At Home, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Other, Psychological Trauma, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 08:43:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8660347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeedyUke/pseuds/NeedyUke
Summary: A goodbye letter from a teen who could take no more of the cruelties of this world.





	

**Author's Note:**

> No, this is not a cry for help. THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. Ironically, a dear friend of mine committed suicide at about the same time as I wrote this. The coincidence is unreal. So, I did not have you in mind when I wrote this, my dear friend, but I dedicate this to you. I will never forget you, KawaiiGeass.

To My Classmates, My Family, and Anyone Else Who Might Care,

By the time you find this letter, I will be an unrecognizable mess. Please do not remember me this way. But how should you remember me? Hmmm…

Do any of you really know who I am, anyway? To most, I am probably just that emotional gay boy in his last year of high school. Is this really my “label”? Is this really all you people see? Let me enlighten you so you can remember me accurately.

But before we do that, I think I want to stop and thank the people around me who made me the person I am today. Let’s remember the good times together.

First, I want to thank my classmates. Yes, it was always fun when you used to make me cry calling me a homo or a faggot. That was fucking hilarious. Oh, how I loved to spend hours crying alone, hidden in the restroom, trying to tell myself I didn’t care.

Let’s not stop there. Let’s remember more of the good times, shall we? I want to thank everyone for all the stereotypes that you just assumed were true…those were a blast, too. Let me try to remember correctly. My classmates used to love the stereotype of “any man will do”. Haha yes such good times they were when you assumed I would be attracted to anything with a dick. 

And, to be fair, I should include my family in this little walk down memory lane. Aha yes, my parents loved to tell me that my homosexuality was an “illness” and that all I need to do is find a cure. Ooh but I think some special thanks should go especially to my father. He is the one who insisted, after all, that “acting like a real man” and having sex with a girl would eradicate my homosexuality once and for all. Thank you, Dad. Thank you, Mom. 

I feel I want to include at least one person out there who is neither my family nor my classmate, but who still thought they knew what was best for me. Ah yes, I think the co-manager at the bakery I where worked needs to be thanked. She always knew what was best for me. She was constantly “reminding” the owner that I should not be preparing food for the public because I could spread “the AIDS”. Such a special person she was. How precious it is to think that just because a guy is gay that he automatically has AIDS. Fucking adorable. 

Lastly I want thank all of my would-be friends. You know who you are. I am talking about all of you charming people who might have seen a tiny hint of something good in me, but were too ashamed to be seen with “someone like me” to even become my friend. You all are the true heroes of my life story.

You all just have me completely figured out, don’t you? Well, I have some news for you. You don’t. 

First, and foremost, I am not “that emotional gay boy”. My name is Joseph. 

I love coconut cookies.  
I am a great swimmer.  
I prefer to sleep on my stomach.  
I like butterflies. (Not one single person on this earth knows I like butterflies)

But this is superficial stuff. Let’s go deeper.

I have a mother and father and two brothers…but it is more accurate to say I live alone in a house full of people.  
I ran away from home once for 6 days…and no one even noticed I was gone.  
Sometimes I want to be noticed, and sometimes I want to be invisible.  
I do not want to kill myself. I wish I just never existed to begin with.

Before I leave you, I ask that you consider just a couple things for me:  
Did anyone ever ask me what I thought was best for me? Did anyone ever stop to consider that I am happy being gay? Did anyone ever feel bad about forcing their beliefs onto me?  
I thought not. 

And now there really is nothing more for me to say. I know there are precious few who will even take the time to read these words. But, if my death can influence at least one person to change for the better, then all is good. 

Goodbye cruel world~

Haha I am not really that dramatic. So instead…

Be kinder to each other. Please.

~Joseph

**Author's Note:**

> Just because I wrote this does not mean I advocate suicide. I do not believe suicide is ever the answer. It is only in the darkness that we can see the faintest light. If you are feeling suicidal, please get help. Do not feel you are alone and that you have no other choice. Please.


End file.
